My Life In Review

1961 - ?

Childhood

I had a very calm, typical 1960's -1970's life.  My parents were married and stayed together, we lived in the suburbs, we were middle class.  My father was a teacher, musician, and actor.  My mother worked in the plastic factory and then at JCPenney.  I have one older sister.  

I feel I had a wonderful childhood packed with family gatherings where we all played instruments and sang songs.  My parents were both active in choirs and theater groups.  My sister and I spent many hours hanging out in the church hallways or sleeping on piles of coats at the back of the auditorium while rehearsals dragged on.

Gender roles in our household were sound with the exception of cooking where they blended.  My father loved to cook and did so with a relish!  With the exception of my sister who was slim, we were evidence of Dad's cuisine.  In the photo's above you will notice my "hardy" stature. Other than the cooking, my father was definitely the King of the castle - and otherwise (Notice the bottom right photo?  That is a publicity shot of our family during The King and I, when my father played the king.)

I made friends easily.  I was a happy girl.  Notice the "Last Will and Testament" of the ninth grade class?  "I, (my name) leave all my happy memories to my teachers in Clary, all my books to the ninth graders of next year, and to the new seventh graders this word of advice "have fun!" I loved school, band, choir, theater, and art.

The teenage years were not that difficult for me.  My mother always said, "rise above it" and I did.  I do remember going back and forth to the hospital many times because my father was often ill.  I also remember when my parents separated for a year.  I was twelve and we sold the family home to move into an apartment.  When they reunited, we moved to the city.  My dad was a bit of a hippie and snubbed the homogeneous ways of the suburbs.  He felt strongly that his girls needed to experience diversity.  It was a learning experience for me, and one that I flourished in.  I still socialize with my friends from those years.  My sister never forgave my parents for extracting her from her high school experience.  I was 13 and she was 16.  Ironically, I did the same to my own children in later years.  I never questioned that I was cherished, and probably a little spoiled.

I went to college at a 4-year state school for the first semester but was so homesick, I moved back home and attended the community college.  I did not finish my degree because I fell in love!

Marriage and Motherhood

I married young, at 21, after dating a musician (church organist) for less than a year.  We were both young and impulsive.  Family came at a young age and now I am thankful that it did!  Our first son was born in 1983 and three years later his brother came along.  I LOVED being a wife and a mother.  I was proud of my talented husband.  I had no physical issues with pregnancies, and had fun with my children.  After our first child was born we moved to Florida where we spent 12 years.  My husband was always looking for a better or new opportunity in his career therefore we moved around a lot.  This made it difficult to stay connected to family.  Although I missed out on the family "drama", I also missed out on the family "interaction".  Likewise, the children and their grandparents missed a lot of time together. My father was alive to see my first child as a toddler and then died at 55.  I was only 24.  I still miss my dad today. I believe this was a developmental shift for me.  I no longer had another "man" to turn to in my life and began to depended a lot on my husband.  

During my marriage I was chronologically in my 20's and 30's but socially behind my peers in many ways.  I missed the entire pop musical decade of the 80s because we primarily listened to sacred, jazz, or classical tunes.  We rarely went to movies and never without the kids - now one of my favorite things to do as a couple.  We didn't make "couple" friends our own age.  We mostly socialized with the priests at the various churches, or older choir members (it was Florida, remember).  My social growth was arrested in time.

Hindsight is 20-20 and it's easy to see by being distracted with raising a family (me) and building a career (him) we suffered as a couple.  Because we both avoided conflict, we rarely disagreed.  This kept us stagnate in our marriage and soon some maladaptive behaviors began to plant their seeds.   My husband had some emotional issues with food (anorexia as a teen) which explained his need to control the cooking.  Along with his need to cook, he had to have a spotless house.  I have always struggled to keep my weight down and many times it was "up" during our marriage.  I began to have body image and housekeeping concerns. Reflecting back, I believe our suppressed unhappiness began to show outwardly in these various neurosis.  Ultimately, it was clear that we could not continue as a couple.  We stayed together for 16 years, and finally divorced after 18.  

Moving Home and Beginning Again

The boys and I moved back to my hometown.  They were transplanted yet again.  This time going from "traditional" household to "non-traditional".  Although they say that had a wonderful life and that I did a great job as a parent, I secretly suspect every time they come up against a hurdle it is my fault.  Is that the way all parents feel?  My mother, now 70, had moved from the city back to the suburbs and I was so thankful she let us move into her tiny house! Mom was having financial trouble and the added income was helpful. We made do.

I was 39.  I was insecure, untrained in any career aside from childcare, and single.  I went to the gym and lost weight.  I launched into a career as an administrative assistant at a small college and was able to complete my 4-year degree.  I learned my job quickly and morphed into the technology age.  My confidence grew with every successful class I took, meeting I prepared, and event I organized.  I was able to advance in my career by changing jobs.  I feel like I catapulted into administration where I "sit" today.  I grew financially independent and finally focused on myself.  I bought a NEW car without worrying about maintenance costs.  I bought my mother's house which she was going to lose.  Spirituality became important to me.  Finding myself was a focus and I read books on the subject.  I went to retreats, attended art therapy sessions, learned new things, and emerged healthier in my 40's. 

During this time I also grew socially.  I made new friends, joined the church choir, and "hung out" which was something I hadn't done since college.  I learned how to pluck my eyebrows and took cues from girlfriends about clothing and style.  I reacquainted myself with friends from high school, and family members I hadn't seen in more than a decade.  My sister became an important person in my life.

Some time in my mid-40's my mother's mobility became a concern and she needed more attention.  The boys were growing more independent by the day and there was a gradual shift from caring for my children to caring for my mother.  My "babies" were discovering themselves and what their talents were.  I encouraged them as I'd been encouraged by my parents and was proud of their successes.

I began to date as I became more confident and self-aware.  This was different than being self conscious.  Technology was in full swing by then and I met someone online who I eventually dated.  My friend encouraged me to stick with him, and I have.

New Relationship

This relationship is completely different than my marriage.  We have the opportunity to concentrate on us with no children tugging for attention.  My guy fits my personality as a fully emerged adult.  He is not my father, he is not my son, he is my lover and my friend.  He fixes things.  He's handy.  He's cool!  He averages 210 in bowling league, and can use all sorts of tools.  I had never been involved with someone who did this and I LOVED it.  He thought I was the cat's meow and that was even more cool.  I had never really been a couple.  I was loving (and still am) every second of this attention.

I discovered so much about myself.  I had always loved being outside but never had the opportunity to explore the "great outdoors".  Not so with my guy.  We camp, hike, and discover the wild together.  He reintroduced me to the Adirondack's where I remember camping once as a kid - our family and another went.  He teaches me things... or tries to.  I can count those teaching successes as hiking, camping, canoeing, gardening, and bowling.  The failures are only two: driving a standard, and math.  In my opinion, who needs either??  We enjoy spending time together.  We can be in the same house together each doing our own thing and it's comforting.  We love sitting by the fire and watching movies.

At first when conflict arose I experienced emotional memory and thought the world would end.  Surprise, surprise, it didn't and we were able to work through the conflict coming to resolution.  I found that "making up" was kind of nice.  The most important discovery for me was that I could be myself, instead of someone I feel I should be, and he loves me anyway.

We now share homes and cats together and, we are "Facebook Official".  ;-)

My 50's and today

So here I am in my 50's.  I feel happy and healthy for the most part.

Physically I am noticing some decline.  I feel my eyes dry easily and then I suffer with blurred vision.  Night vision is somewhat of a concern.  My body freezes up if I don't exercise regularly, and I have had my gall bladder out.  My neck is stiff (even as I am writing this reflection) and I must remember to stretch it.  Where I was taking boxing at the gym, I now take the Senior Fit class.  I continue to walk, we continue to hike and bowl, and I try to do yoga once a week.  My skin is wrinkling and getting spotty.  My hair is peppered with gray and I gave up highlighting it.  No one says, "you don't look your age!" anymore.  My body is telling me that it's half a century old.

Mentally, I feel I am in very good shape.  I don't stress overmuch, but then there is not as much to stress over.  When I do stress, it is over the family.  My son's have both chosen careers and one is in a relationship.  My mother still lives with me and her increasing dependence on me is a little stressful at times.  My sister lives up the street and her kids cause her (and therefore us) stress.  I am anxious to complete my degree so that I can get back to singing.  It was too much to commit to both singing and school.

Financially, I feel I could be in better shape.  I am beginning to think about retirement.  We plan to merge the houses and retire in about fifteen years.  I worry about what that will look like... the future.

My hopes and dreams right now are mostly attainable.  I want to be a grandmother.  I want to live under one roof with my guy - and no others.  I want my children to be financially independent.  I want to be able to retire and still teach.  I want to continue to be physically active so that we can enjoy our favorite activities into our senior years.