My Mom's Life In Review

Beverly Ann Allen (Swayze) 1929 - ?

If you ask mom, she will say that she had a wonderful childhood!  To listen to her talk, she was seemingly untouched by The Great Depression (1929 - 1940) or World War II (1939 - 1945).  This reiterates the fact that we remember positive things more easily than negative.  When pressed, she tells stories of rationing, pinching pennies, and friends who went to war.

Mom's father was a justice of the Peace, and her mother worked at W.T. Grant.  She later followed in her mothers footsteps for her final career in sales.  Mom tells of dinner parties, dancing, and ice cream.  She was the second of three children.  Her sister Phyllis was 11 months older and her brother Dick 17 years younger than her.

Childhood (1929-1952)

The focus was on family and social entertainment.  Youngsters enjoyed going to a picture show that cost 25 cents.  It was not unusual to send the kids off to grandmas for the summer where they lazed around beaches and walked to get ice cream each night.  In fact, they walked everywhere!  Mom talks about her Aunt Alice who was like her "Auntie Mame".  Never married, she spent most of her time with her nieces.  Alice took the girls everywhere to experience new places and adventures.

When a good radio show was not on, Mom and her sister would hang out up the street at "5 Corners".  If they stayed out a little too late, her mother would come after them.  She tells a story of a rabbit coop burning down and admits that the event was due to her first attempt at smoking cigarettes (with her sister).  Mom was madly in love with Kenny Dexter, and you see his name throughout her diaries.  She admits her father was a drinker who sometimes came home loudly at night.  She remembers a time or two when her mother slept with her and her sister.  All that aside, Mom loved her parents and enjoyed a jolly childhood packed full of laughter and love.

Marriage and Motherhood (1952 - 1985)

Listen as Beverly discusses marriage and being a mom (link to audio)

Mom and Dad knew each other from childhood.  If you look above in the first collage, Dad is standing with Mom in the bottom left frame.  Mom talks about how she and Dad (Allan) were best friends. He would bring her mom lilacs.  Mom and Dad sang together in the same church choir.  He always loved mom, but her friend had to talk Mom into dating him.  They had a huge marriage because they were well liked in their small town.  Dad had just graduated from Potsdam as a music teacher.  They were married on Memorial Day in 1952.  

Mom learned a lot from Dad.    They were able to travel and really cement themselves as a couple.  Everything Dad did (theater, choirs) Mom wanted to do, too.  He was her focus leaving her little time to discover herself. They were very much in love. 

During their early marriage Dad was drafted and spend three years away from home.  During that time Mom learned about being independent.  They were living in Camden at the time, and with no car, she arranged rides to and from Rome, NY each day to work at Revere Copper and Glass.  She enjoyed this time introspection but was glad when Dad made it home safely.  She would have been in her mid-twenties.   

In 1958 my sister Melodie was born giving her parents much joy.  They loved being parents.  They had been able to enjoy being a couple and they were ready to take the next step.  Three years later, I was born.  Mom suffered a miscarriage between babies, but that's just the way things went back then and she wasn't too upset by it.  As parents, they were committed to being the best.  My father studied psychology and brought us up learning how to communicate our feelings productively.  My parents were always there for us, and my mom remains my best friend today.  Family continued to be important, but we were not sent away to spend long periods of time with relatives.  Times had changed, and my parents were less free with the outside world when it came to their children.

I remember my parents as never fighting and always having fun together.  My dad was a lot of fun, for sure.  We would sing together as a family.  In the collage above, you will see us serenading our relatives with a jolly rendition of, "Go Tell it on the Mountain".  He was definitely the King of the Castle, as mom used to say.  He made decisions and mom went along with them.  We were more modern than our neighbors as my dad was very trendy.  My friends houses were painted inside with tans and blues while ours was polka dot spray paint!

My parents had a very diverse group of friends.  We grew up around multi race, gay and straight, male and female, married and single, and all different ages.  My parents were active socially in their 40s and 50s.  Their children were getting into teens and twenties and then married.  Mom and Dad had very dear friends.  Jerry and Jed, a couple from NYC, and Nancy (from past posts) still remain her dear friends today.  I feel fortunate to have had this colorful past.  Although my dad had a period of time in his 40s when he needed time alone, and they separated for a year, they were otherwise happily married until the day he died at 55 in 1985.

New Beginnings (1985 - 1999)

Listen as Beverly discusses new beginnings

My mom suffered a great loss when she lost her best friend and husband.  He had been sick a long time.  During the last months of his life she was his caretaker.  She talks about this being the first time she saw the "serious side" of life.  His death left a great void.

When he died Mom's life was suddenly focused on herself.  No longer a twosome, she turned her attention toward family and social supports.  During these years her mother lost her second husband, Skip, and both Mom and Grandma felt great losses with the death of Phyllis and Dick.  Again family rallied and all felt the warm embrace of love and support.

Mom had some very close friends from work who called themselves "The Golden Girls".  You can see in the photos above they traveled and "played" together.  She could call them any time of the day or night.  She filled in her days with social activities, and family commitments.  She reinvented herself.  She joined singing groups and shows on her own.  She kept busy.  She loved to entertain.  She remembered her days when Dad was in the service and she got back into that same groove.  Dad left mom some money, but she wasn't careful with it.  She spent it within 10 years and doesn't regret it at all. Mom went on cruises, and other trips, and loved every minute of it.  Friendships that were once shared by them as a couple, now became hers alone.  Some new friendships began.

Mom sold the house in the city when the neighborhood became unsafe and moved back to Fayetteville.  She bought a house that was just right for her in 1989.  She was in her 60s.  She was a little lonely and so her friends brought her a kitten.  She loved her little house and entertained often.  Mom had begun to feel some physical decline by now and began to have back and knee pain.  She was also diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. 

Family remained very important to Mom.  She went to visit her mother once a week and they would go visit the duck pond to watch the geese. This decade was dedicated to Beverly.

Today's Beverly (1999 - 2014)

Beverly discusses the past decade and life as it is today.

In 1999 I moved home with my two boys.  At first mom says it was like having family visit.  It was an adjustment at first to have people living with her again.  I remember feeling as though we were invaders!  Mom never made us feel that way, and I will always love her for that unselfish, unconditional love and support.

Mom's finances were on a downturn by her 70s and having me move home helped her.  I was able to buy her house and she was able to keep living in it.  She lives with me today.

Mom began to decline in mobility by her mid to late 70s and she reduced her social schedule.  Her knees were finally replaced in her 80s and she had a pace maker put in which improved her quality of life.  She is able to drive still (at 84) and get around locally.  She goes to her choir rehearsal and her hair dresser.  Listen as she recites her poem about one of her favorite pastimes, Jr. Whopper Lunch.  Sometimes I attend her medical appointments because she has limited hearing and misses important information sometimes.  As she ages, it's harder for her to remember things and she uses a calendar to keep track of all her appointments and commitments.  Otherwise she's sharp as a tack.

Over the past nine years I have been involved in my relationship and spend half of my time in Ithaca.  The boys have come and gone from the house but there seems to always be one of them living at home.  Adults now, they help their grandmother out and enjoy her stories.  I am proud to say that I must have done something right because they respect her knowledge, understand her age limitations, and still seek her advice.  Likewise, Mom has come to rely on her family and can't imagine a life of living alone.  Now spending much of her time sitting at home, Mom is inspired to write poems about everything!  Listen as she recites her poem about herself.  Family members look forward to their poems enclosed in birthday cards.

Mom suffered another great loss when she lost another best friend, her mother.  Listen as she recites her poem, Helen.  Also around this time her niece, Diane, who was only 60, died of lung cancer just as her brother had.  The photo of grandma and Diane in the center of the collage is one that brings tears to my mother's eyes.  When she thinks about these losses she becomes sad and lonely.  Last year we gave mom a Kindle to keep up with Facebook and to read her books.  She has been challenged by the technology, but surprisingly quick to catch on.  She is now able to communicate with her family and friends who had transitioned to a "digital" world.  This past year she welcomed her first great-grandchild, Emma, who now is a big focus in our family.

Mom talks about growing old.  She accepts the changes as they come.  When she dies she wants to be the brightest star in the sky and her spirit to float around and bother everyone!  Mom discusses how her friends who live alone are not as fortunate as she is.  She advises them not to worry about about things that may never happen and prefers to hear funny stories.  She enjoys handing down tradition and giving meaningful presents.  Notice the photo of the snowman in the collage.  Mom wanted to pass on the tradition of the snowman.  This  began with grandma's snowman who became mom's when grandma died.  She bought one (I found an exact replica for her on eBay) for my son and his girlfriend to be placed in their new home.

The parts of Mom's development that have remained stable over time are her need for social interaction, her positive attitude, and her deep love for family.  She is the Queen in our Castle and we all are blessed to have her with us.

Wendy and Beverly remember two stories about older people.